Tuesday, July 30, 2013

My face

You know what I've decided my problem is? Even when inside my head I feel like that one Imagine Dragons song I'm on Top of the World 

My face ALWAYS always always looks like this: 


I don't really know what's up with that...It's like I have "Chronic Grumpy Face" and it's just my face's default expression when i'm walking around in public. When at work I have to consciously remember to look happy and approachable. To make this easier I just pretend i'm Cinderella and it's surprisingly effective.
Cinderella wouldn't tell that customer that she's a vacant moron, she would smile and wish her a good afternoon.

Today me and my Mum were walking through Target and I received a sign from the Universe with a very important message for me

This really made me and my Mum laugh, and whoever did it is an ingenious person with a great sense of humor, because that's one of the best things i've seen this week.

todays gifs: 

Sunday, July 28, 2013

Introvert Diaries

Why is it that whenever I have a ton of good ideas and can't stop typing it's two in the morning?? This does not bode well if I have a career as a writer...

Speaking of writing I must talk about a series of books very dear to my cold antisocial heart. The Princess Diaries by Meg Cabot. I will begin by saying that the books are COMPLETELY different from the movies. They are seriously two different stories.

Secondly, I realize that it is not a "serious" piece of literature or a "classic" and it is not analyzed and revered by intellectuals. However, I am not ashamed to say they are some of my favorite books and a huge inspiration to me as a writer.
 Because the way Meg Cabot writes is very witty, sarcastic, and conversational with popular culture references and slang. Before I read her books I didn't know you COULD write like that and get your work published. I didn't know you could tell a great story that way and that to emotionally involve your audience you don't need to make them cry or ponder the universe...you can also make them laugh.

Also, guess what? While sitting in the break room at work I was half listening to a man on the T.V. talk about potatoes and he said that

"Leaving a potato in the sun turns it green and the green part is poisonous"

I actually looked up from Pinteresting on my phone to stare at the T.V. in confusion.

Um I beg your pardon good sir, but I distinctly remember an episode of Arthur where D.W. is upset and believes she will soon die because she ate a green potato chip which Arthur informed her were lethal but the potato chip ended up being harmless.... so what in the verse are you talking about???

I've consulted google and it turns out that "green potatoes do contain a toxin called Solanine which can cause nausea headaches and neurological issues" but it also said "a 100 lb. person would need to ingest 16 oz of green potato to feel ill" (O'Connor 2007)

 So the moral of that story is that I should really stop using Arthur as a life reference...

I had to blow up, in total, over two dozen balloons today. When the fourth person in a row asked for balloons and could I please hurry? because they need them in 5 minutes. My response was something like this:

 I am completely inept at balloons but I was the only person who was willing to do it. I was never trained to do balloons by the way. I just had to figure it out as I went along, which explains part of my ineptitude but you'd think after a year I would have caught on better....

The label maker in the floral department is a constant source of anxiety because it is very old and temperamental and you need to use all kinds of special tricks and take it apart twice and press the resent button four times before it prints anything.

I would say we need a new one except this stores vacuum is so old you could still catch the black plague from it and one of the cash register displays is being held in place by a can of cream of celery soup. So I don't exactly have high hopes for a new printer.

Side note: here's a link to the article I read about green potatoes if you are deeply fascinated and yearn to know more:

Todays gifs: 

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

10 years isn't THAT long...

I was thrilled today because my incredibly indulgent and patient Dad recorded all the episodes of Top Gear for like two days, so I could make sure I saw Benedict Cumberbatch be the "Star in the reasonably priced car".

Top Gear is a favorite show of my Dad's that we've watched for years. I personally like it because they are witty, sarcastic and make fun of everyone and everything. You don't need to like cars to watch the show. I know absolutely nothing about cars and I still enjoy it. Jeremy Clarkson would have to be my favorite person on the show because he once described a car's air conditioning as "An asthmatic blowing at you through a straw" and that's poetry.
I love the fact that there is no one in the entire world who is exempt from his ridicule....

So Benedict being on the show was a very exciting thing for me. I was fangirl-ing all over the place and nearly fell off the couch.

Fangirl: 1. (noun) A female who is far too emotionally invested in a T.V. show, actor, movie, book ect.
2. (verb) To jump, squeal, sigh, scream or otherwise behave in a strange manner when faced with the thing they are too emotionally invested in. 

And of course he was adorable and charming and lovely. I held it together until he slipped in a Starwars reference  and then I lost it and was completely overwhelmed by his perfection. He's in his thirties and i'm almost twenty...the age difference isn't THAT big is it?
I feel like I haven't read enough books to date Benedict Cumberbatch (He's very classy and a total smarty pants)
On a completely unrelated note, whenever people ask who my favorite Disney princess is (You would be surprised how often this comes up in conversation) I say Meg and everyone looks at me funny and goes "WHO???"

So let me say that Meg, the girl from Hercules, is the most underrated Disney princess ever. Okay technically she is not a "Princess" because Hercules was a Greek god and not a "Prince" but whatever.

She was smart, and actually thought things through, which is a rarity for a Disney princess. They usually are more flighty than that. Plus she actually had a back story and character development because she starts out really mean, manipulative and almost a bad guy but she eventually does the right thing. Think female Captain Jack Sparrow. Also she was fiercely independent and didn't just wait around for a guy to save her. Hercules didn't have to go save her until she was completely dead.

And all of that is WAY more interesting than prancing around a field of flowers with her animal friends like a vacant mouth breather with an IQ in the single digits.

Meg was also bitingly sarcastic and rude which is probably why her character resonated with me so much.

And as a bonus here's my other favorite Disney Princess 
I absolutely LOVED the Princess Diaries book series and have read them all about ten times. Eleven now, as I am currently in the process of reading them yet again. Meg Cabot is a genius and a real inspiration to me as a writer....and i've realized I have way too much to say on this topic so I will save it for my next post.....bye

Todays Gifs:

Sunday, July 21, 2013

Communication and Caffeine

I hate walking into almost empty stores when the sales people have nothing better to do but stand there and watch you stop. And no matter how heinously massive their smiles are, I can just sense that they REALLY want me to go away so they can get back to gossiping and not have to look like they are working.

I know this for sure because it's the same thing I feel when it's 10:58 and theres that last shopper buying enough food to feed Paraguay and i'm just standing there smiling and saying 

"Oh, it's no trouble" 

When what I really mean is

"Oh my goodness! Just GO Home!!!  I'm tired and I hate you all!!!" 

Also people say that today's technology inhibits "real communication". Personally I feel that I am still forced to communicate far too much. So whoever "they" are, they are stupid.

 I LOVE the fact that I can just text someone, because I hate making telephone calls. Also Facebook allows you to spy on people in a socially acceptable manner. Tumblr and Pinterest help me collaborate and share ideas and heartbreak with fangirls across the globe without having to actually speak to any of them. it's lovely!

As i'm typing right now,  I was wondering why on earth I was so hyper and having a low grade anxiety attack when I remembered that I drank a large diet coke with my lunch. I KNEW I shouldn't have had all  that caffeine. I told myself it would make me freak out....but I drank it anyways....I'm such a loser.

I read somewhere that caffeine can give people with anxiety a sense of "Impending DOOM" and that's the best description i've heard for it. You're running around feeling like the world is about to come crashing down on your head, except there is nothing wrong and you're fine.

Todays gifs:

Saturday, July 20, 2013

I am not a morning person

So today I had to wake up and go to work extremely early. Nothing good happens at 6 in the morning people! So you should all just go back to sleep. At that ungodly hour I should not be forced to deal with cheerful morning people who are all hyped up and spewing happiness for whatever reason, like this

Meanwhile I'm standing there glaring at them like Gordon Ramsey 

It's too early for this!!! Are you people even human??? 

Because today was my day to open the store I had the lovely job of mopping the concrete sidewalk in front of the store. yay. As I was mopping concrete at 6:30 and deeply questioning my life choices, this really nerdy looking old guy walks by and says 

"I mopped concrete floors for years in state prison. It sucks doesn't it?" 


How on Earth do you even respond to that? Seriously What?? The combination of the mop and the early morning and him mentioning prison was too much for my sleep deprived brain so I just stood there for a few seconds staring at him. I was finally able to respond with a nervous smile and say "Yeah...have a nice day"

There are a lot of weird infomercials on T.V. I have watched an ad for a limited edition railroad pocket watch. Also for a stove that does not get hot so you don't burn yourself, yet it still somehow cooks your food?? If you are too stupid to use a stove I think you need to starve.... or invest in a microwave.  and then there was this monstrosity

Its a fake plastic bird that makes noises.... a PLASTIC bird that chirps...I just sat there and watched the whole ad because I was sure it was fake because it was so completely ridiculous... but no...it's real. They were hyping this thing up like it was going to revolutionize your existence and "Bring you hours of joy" and it's a plastic bird

Todays gifs: 

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Why I was a bad student

So I saw my Junior High Spanish teacher at work and promptly hid because I had been a really terrible student in his class and he really did not need any reason to remember that. And that got me thinking about school and in retrospect I have discovered that I was an absolute terror and it's no wonder I never got along with any of my teachers

Reasons why I was a terrible student: 

1.) I spent my Spanish class in the eighth grade sitting in the very back of the room reading a "Garfield Dictionary" that I found on the bookshelf. It had a Garfield comic printed on every other page, so I just sat there reading comics pretending to be really engrossed in my Spanish studies.

 2.) I got many many many dress code violations that are all hanging proudly on the collage on my door.

3.) I dyed my hair bright red my Senior year, in blatant violation of the school dress code and then pretended i'd done so on accident.

4.) I told my hippie religion teacher that all human beings were inherently evil and she made me get up and sit on the opposite side of the room (along with the other troublemakers who felt like instigating rebellion) and hold a debate with her.

5.) I did my religious studies presentation at my Catholic school, on the life and accomplishments of William Tyndale who was burned at the stake for heresy...by the Catholic Church. Their database still had him filed under "Heretics"

6.) When told by my math teacher to stay after class and do extra math problems because I had gotten nothing done during class, I took offense

Because I was not the only one who had gotten nothing accomplished. So I simply got up and walked out of her classroom in silent protest. All I got was a detention for "Rude response to instruction"

7.) When I was told I needed to raise my hand and speak in class to earn participation points, I thought this was an incredibly lazy way to grade, so I went out of my way to not speak a word.

I thought  it was a lazy way to grade because you could raise your hand and spout whatever moronic bilge was floating through your head and get points for it. And thats how the kid who did not know the difference between a "Tavern" and a "Cavern" got more points than me.

In other reminiscing, I remembered that I had a copy of the Disney movie, Beauty and the Beast, that had been taped off the T.V. by one of my Aunts. but the thing was, someone had messed up, because at the poignant dramatic scene when the Beast becomes human again, a bagel commercial would randomly start playing. And so I grew up watching this movie with the bagel commercial and I got so used to it that to this day I feel like somethings missing at that scene.

Todays Gifs: 

San Francisco

So you see a cute guy and you actually manage to smile and say something witty and for once not sound like someone whose life goal is to be hermit. But then you go to walk away like this:

 I, however, usually end up doing something more along the lines of this:

Anyways, I had a great time in San Francisco with Lydia, Pond, Jules and my Mum. We had tea at the cutest little tea shop called the Crown and Crumpet where you get all kinds of tea and scones and the decor is all british.
 We got to sample five kinds of tea that had cool names like "Marie Antoinette" and "Snow White". Jules was especially excited about the high tech toilets in the restrooms that had seat warmers.

We also went to the coolest Japanese mall that had a bunch of awesome random stuff like paper wallets and Japanese candy and lots of cute lunch boxes.
 I though, came home with a Star Trek calendar, which is not Japanese at all, but I saw it and knew my life would not be complete without it. I felt like a complete dunce though because it was a 2014 calendar and I had ask Lydia if that was next year or this year.... yeah for whatever reason I can never remember what year this is.

We also found a pot holder in the shape of a marijuana leaf that I laughed over for way too long because it was a "pot" holder.

We also went to look at a spot by the bay where Lydia informed us someone fakes their suicide in a Hitchcock movie.

All in all a lovely day out with the "sisterhood"

Fun Fact: We decided we were a sisterhood when, on a visit to the Black Bear Diner, Jules received a dish of ice cream for dessert because she had ordered off the kids menu. The rest of us (who had ordered off the adult menu and had no ice cream) then told her that we were a sisterhood and she was therefore obligated to share her ice cream with the rest of us.
And that sisterhood, formed by guilt tripping someone into sharing their ice cream, has lasted to this day.

Todays gifs:

Saturday, July 13, 2013

universe boxers

So in recent news, I grabbed a pair of "universe boxers" from the clearance bin at Target and they turned out to be a great investment because they have already made a vast improvement on my life. They made me so happy I was jumping around the house for a whole evening going "UUUuuunnivVVverrrrrseEEE i'm wearing the UNIVERSEEEEEE". Yeah, I still have no idea why I was so excited about them.....Wilhelm decided to wear them as a hat...

 I was left home alone for most of the day. An introverts dream come true. And I had a lovely impromptu AC/DC concert in my bedroom (and by concert I mean I turned the volume all the way up and jumped around like a psycho banshee). I also ate some (most of) the chocolate chips in the freezer that are supposed to be used for baking...oh well, Carpe Diem. Pond will be angry the next time she needs them but whatevs, I live dangerously. 

 I also tried and failed to play Portal...again...I always end up getting really frustrated and angry until in a fit of desperation I start yelling and shooting random portals until i'm a completely disoriented and motion sick mess. 

Social awkwardness. Social awkwardness is really "in" right now. The problem? You have people who are not socially awkward at all claiming to be socially awkward because they think it's cute and endearing and all the people, like me, who are genuinely socially awkward are sitting there like 

If you look like Zooey Deschanel, OF COURSE you can act like the queen of the crazy train and everyone thinks it's adorable. I AM the queen of the crazy train and believe me no one thinks it's cute. 

As i'm sitting here in my universe boxers typing this, I have discovered that I really like the sound of "Queen of the Crazy Train" and I think it's going to be my official title from now on. 

Some random chick on Facebook was all

" Freshman 15? more like freshman -10!!! haha lol can't believe I lost so much weight :) " 

And my completely mature and reasonable thought process was "Oh well, i'm still prettier than you, and I hope a truck runs your skinny butt over *unfriend*"

Un-friending her was not an overreaction on my part because she was also one of the people dissing fireworks and we were not too fond of each other in high school either...
and I (the  Queen of the Crazy Train) do not need that kind of negativity in my life. I have more than enough all by myself.

Todays gifs: 

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Pride and Prejudice and LOTR

So I completely failed at the Pride and Prejudice board game, because I failed to get my characters to the church to be married. But I totally won the LOTR trivia game.
Yeah i'm concerned about the implications this has about my future...

So with last week being the fourth of July there were a lot of self righteous people posting on Facebook about how fireworks pollute the air, are too noisy, and are just a waste of money and so people shouldn't buy them. And you know what? I feel bad for those people.

I feel bad for them because it's clear from their post that they did not get to hike up to the top of a hill with their family, wait for it to get dark and then get to watch dozens of fireworks shows go off all at once. Then walk back down the hill with trees all lit up with lights like a hobbit party. And get ice cream on the drive home.
So I feel bad for them, because it's so much more fun to just enjoy stupid stuff like fireworks and have a good time. BAM.

I'm very proud of myself for looking on the bright side for once. I sounded like an optimist just then... and it was so wildly out of my character that it's frightening me.

I also wish to talk about my policy regarding movies.
I never read critics reviews of movies and I decide which movies to go see based solely on their trailers. Why? because I don't know who these critics are, they don't know me. They don't know what I like. So why on Earth am I going to let them tell me which movie to watch?? They don't run my life. I can watch whatever in the universe I want.

Needless to say I see quite a few really bad movies. But It's still fun, and I get to decide for myself what's a good movie or a bad movie. HAHA!

My high school math teacher may have been correct... I might have a teensy weensy bit of a problem with authority....

Todays Gifs:

Monday, July 8, 2013

Feels and texting

My little brother Jonathan summed up the feelings of LOTR fans everywhere when the Shire music played and he said

"This song makes me want to hug someone until their head pops off! "

Sadly I very much relate to this and I totally understand how he feels.

On another note, I need to talk about texting, since I have very very often been called out for being a "bad text-er". So if someone texts you a question or asks if you want to hang out or something I totally understand why it's rude to not text them back. And in these situations I will try my best to reply promptly. but when someone sends one of these...

"HI! :)"

"Whats up?"

"Hey :)"

...and i'm not in the mood to talk, it is very likely that I will ignore your text and continue on with my life of blissful hermitage.

and apparently this is extremely rude and people will get mad the next time you see them and you get the "WHY DIDN"T YOU TEXT ME BACK???"
 and then I'm forced to lie and say I was really busy or just forgot when in reality I was watching Netflix and eating cereal in solitude and just really didn't feel like talking.

But thats not a socially acceptable response.
WHY on Earth is that not a socially acceptable response?
Why can't we just say "Yeah I didn't want to talk to anyone so I didn't text you back" ??

*sigh* Introvert problems....

Todays gifs: 

Thursday, July 4, 2013

Ice lollies and Fireworks

Seriously, one of the biggest disappointments of my childhood was being told there was going to be ice cream and it ends up being this
THAT is not ice cream you sorcerous deceitful fiend!!! its a popsicle or an ice lolly...whatever you call it it's not ice cream.
In other news, with the 4th of July coming up, for the past two nights at work I get to play a lovely game called "Was that gunshots or fireworks??"

The way I decorate my room is fine for the other 364 days of the year, but on July 4th it gets me called a  traitor. Possibly because I have the Union Jack on just about everything I own. Don't get me wrong I love living in America and it makes me mad when people hate on America when we could be living somewhere with a caste system or a one child per family limit.

But I am still completely obsessed with England...why?

1.) I think It started with Winnie the Pooh, it was my favorite show as a child and the main character, Winnie the Pooh, has a distinctly British accent.
"Oh Bother"

2.) All the characters in the Narnia radio dramas of my childhood? BRITISH.

3.) Beatrix Potter was another favorite of mine as a kid. MORE British accents.

4.) The Redwall books?? Written by a British man (Brian Jaques) and they have a distinctly British tone to them.

5.) Jane Austen. Mr. Darcy. Enough Said.

Even with all this, I was interested but not yet obsessed with England. Looking back, I can pinpoint the exact crossroads where I sold my soul to Great Britain and it all points to a T.V. show called...

And more importantly this lovely man who wore black leather and guyliner for all 3 seasons
This show was my first fandom and introduced me to shipping, fan fiction, feels, and sobbing in front of a computer screen late at night over the deaths of fictional characters. Sadly many years later I still find myself sobbing in front of my laptop at 2am over fictional characters....

Most importantly though, this show was the beginning of my obsession with England, and when I started collecting things with the Union Jack on them. And I assure you my obsession has only grown with time...

On the subject of Richard Armitage though, I have a great story. When I was still obsessed with Robin Hood what I really wanted for Christmas was a poster of Richard Armitage, but this was before he was really well known and so I couldn't find any posters of him anywhere. But on Christmas morning my Dad gave me this

He had made a framed poster of Richard Armitage for me! Seriously how many Dads would do that for their crazy teenage daughter?
Now with The Hobbit and all, everyone knows who Richard Armitage is and there are plenty of posters. And I just look at my awesome lovely poster I got for Christmas years ago and try desperately not to be a complete hipster about the whole thing. But I liked him before he was popular 

Todays Gifs:

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Old movies and my internet adventures

So I never saw the Hunchback of Notre Dame as a child and so when it became available for instant watch on Netflix I decided to see what I had missed and "Oh. My. Gallifrey.... What is going on???"

Because in the first scene Quasimodo's mother dies. And not like in Finding Nemo where there's a dramatic cut scene and then you never see her again. No, you clearly SEE her fall to her death on some stairs. And then her dead body is just laying there on the steps for the entire rest of the scene and the other characters just keep singing while her corpse just chills there on the stairs. 

And THEN there's the whole thing with the Spanish inquisition catholic man except he's French. Who's singing about genocide and torture... Friendly reminder that this is a kids movie... 

Yeah then Esmeralda almost got burned to death by the crazy Catholic man... Yeah...

Soooooo I was bored and watching T.V. because that's what I do when i'm bored. And I saw yet another ad for online dating and I decided why not have some fun?
So I made a fake profile on a dating site ( I will not say which one in case they sue me) to see what kind of weird people are on these things.

I think my reasoning for doing this was that I needed new people to make fun of. I signed up with the name Lily Evans (Yes I got that name from Harry Potter). And I said I was an optimistic person who loves the outdoors and puppies and smiles.

And so my quest was a success because In browsing the profiles of Lily Evan's matches I found a plethora of people to laugh at. In summary, I found these interesting people:

1.) A very bitter man who says he hates the smell of theme park water, describes himself as a "train wreak and is also a DJ.

2.) I found a farmer...

3.) The 35 year old man who spelled encourage "incourage" and whether "weither"

4.) I found nerds...so many nerds....who are studying bio-physics-robot-chemisty or something

5.) Wow this one sounds almost normal...Never mind he's a vegan...

6.) "Yeah most people just don't get me" *translation* I'm probably a jerk.

7.) I'm trying to focus on my poetry right now..

A few days later: 

So I revisited Lily Evans profile and I almost felt bad because a considerable number of people were interested in her and blissfully unaware of the fact that she does not exist and is a creation of my imagination....oh well.

Todays Gifs: