Thursday, February 28, 2013

Think before Geeking -_- speaking...

Sometimes I'm just as surprised as everyone else at the horrible things I say. My English teacher said all forms of language, from text speak to book reports are valid languages. Because the purpose of a language is to communicate. So basically no matter how you write it's okay .

So i thought " Then why bother sitting here at eight in the morning to learn how to write?"

Then I realized that I hadn't just THOUGHT it I had SAID it...loudly...and the whole class was now looking at me.

She had a lovely reason why it's still important to come to English class but honestly I don't remember a word of it because I was too busy contemplating jumping out the window in humiliation.

On a completely unrelated note, while scrolling through my Facebook feed there were not one, but two ads for dating sites one was called geek2geek (presumably a dating site for geeks). And the second was an app that connects you to people with similar interests. It cheerfully informed me "You might really have a future with a guy whose into Sci-Fi!!"

I WAS going to be creeped out at the accuracy of Facebook ads, but after scrolling further there was an ad for cardio workouts *phew*
I had successfully outsmarted Facebook, because I never work out...ever. If you ever see me run you should run with me because i'm either chasing Benedict Cumberbatch, or it's the zombie apocalypse. So the score is -

The obviously single geek: 1
Social media: 0

Monday, February 25, 2013


Sometimes I get a word stuck in my head and proceed to use that word throughout the day regardless of context...

Does this look cute? Or does it look like i'm a color blind gerbil?

Stop being such a gerbil!

Quiet down you little gerbils!!!

While we were driving, I pointed out my favorite street name "black kite road". It's my favorite because it gives me a cool mental picture of someone flying a black kite on a cloudy day. Very creepy in a pretty way. Maria says "yeah they're cool looking birds". My mind screeches to a halt like a freight train while I sputter "WHAT?! " and she sighs patiently and informs me that a black kite is a type of bird.
My creepy beautiful mental picture now in shambles, my rational response was to yell "Maria you GERBIL! I HATE BIRDS!!"

I really do hate birds. They are creepy and they fly. Creepiness is much more difficult to cope with when combined with the power of flight.

So now whenever I drive by that street I will remember gerbils and my shattered dreams.

Friday, February 22, 2013

Working gal

I think i'm getting used to my job:

1) A customer tells me "Wow! Theres a lot going on here today. "
I replied "Actually, its been really slow in here. Not too many people come in on thursday"
They looked at me like I was a moron and said " I meant the three police cars outside"
Me: "Oh...that"
That completely hadn't occurred to me at all...because it's normal

2) Customer: "theres a guy in a wheelchair outside asking for money"
Me: "no theres not." "There's actually two of them."

3) I'm calmly getting something out of my work locker, when three people burst through the door and someone is getting read their Miranda Rights.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Day ruiner and timey wimey stuff

When you are in a hurry to get to class because you have a test, and are trying to keep all the information you just studied locked inside your brain until you get there. Someone in a brightly colored ill fitting T-shirt, with words trying very hard to be clever and intriguing, plastered across the front. Steps toward you urgently with a smile so forced it's frightening and says,
"Excuse me miss, do you have a moment to help children in need?"
Then as she stared at me, clutching her clipboard for dear life I said,
"Um sorry, no"
And as I walked away I felt quite certain I was the most despicable human being to draw breath. And to make matters worse she had broken my unwavering focus on my test.
People should not be able to do that to you. It's like a serial self esteem killer. And an instant day ruiner. That probably sounds really selfish and horrible. But considering I am now the most despicable human being ever to draw breath. It's very much in character.

History professor says history is rarely a case of cause to effect, or point A to point B. his point was that history has many causes and a lot of people and events intertwined. I had the overwhelming urge to add that "People assume history is a strict progression of cause to effect, but actually from a non linear non subjective view point it's more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly timey wimey... Stuff.

Monday, February 18, 2013

Benedict and roller coasters

My obsession of the moment is Benedict Cumberbatch. He has a voice like thunder, beautiful thunder. I totally stole that line from my friend Zane's senior quote, but thats alright because i just told you that he said it, not me. So i've cited my source. Of course, Zane was referring to himself not Benedict, when he said it.

I found an audiobook of Benedict Cumberbatch, reading Sherlock Holmes. AND the unaired pilot for sherlock. So my life is basically complete.

I was watching a youtube video while sitting in a chair in the library. Actually I'm still sitting in that chair as i type this. Its quite a nice chair, and no one has decided to sit next to me. Which is lovely. The video was one of those things where they film peoples reactions on roller coasters. Which is cruel but hysterical. I was trying to laugh quietly and only succeeded in sounding like i was being strangled. I looked up with tears of laughter in my eyes and the little old man sitting nearby was peering at me over his spectacles with a an expression of absurdly stern disapproval. This expression was intended, i'm sure, to make me straighten up and contemplate the error of my ways. All it did was make me completely lose control and start giggling hysterically into my backpack.

Sunday, February 17, 2013

The girl who "don't cook"

          So I'm at work bagging groceries, I have my "work face" on which means smiling even though there's nothing to smile about. Smiling is a great defense mechanism against people's temper tantrums because they either think you are a sweet harmless individual, or a vacant moron. Either way they don't yell at you. I start talking to this gal whose about my age and we get on the topic of cooking and I casually mention that I don't cook. Her response?
 "Gurl, How do expect to get a man if you don't cook?!"
         I stood there blinking at her for a few seconds because I could't believe she actually said that. I could hear a weird sound, but it was only suffragettes turning over in their graves. I realized I had no answer to her question so my intelligent glittering response was
After she left I started pondering her question because I was bored and had nothing better to do. Um how DO I expect to get a man if I don't cook? Here's what I came up with:

1.)I can organize a bookshelf like a pro.

2.) I can keep a stunningly detailed calendar. In fact I have three. I believe I deserve bonus points for the Hobbit one.

3.) I can quote all the starwars and LOTR movies verbatim. Which is of course devastatingly alluring.

4.) I speak British English, sarcasm, and i'm fluent in Doctor Who references.

5.) I'm funny. (okay I'm not actually funny, I'm just rude and people think I'm kidding)

6.) I'm an awesome list maker ( As you can tell by the fabulous list I'm writing now)

7.) I almost always take the stairs instead of the elevator.( I don't know why but it makes me feel like a better person than the people who took the elevator)

8.) In 4-5 years I will have a lovely bachelors degree in...something...something FABULOUS...

Aaaaand yeah that's just a few of the ways i'm going to get a man without cooking. Wish me luck!

Mind readers with 7-up

          So today at work I was feeling so sick I thought I was going to die. It occurred to me that the firemen, who sometimes visit our store, were shopping there today. So if I passed out I would receive medical attention. But then it also occurred to me that, that particular group of firemen included that one guy who always stares at me like a creeper, and has a real talent for not so subtle innuendo. I promptly decided that fainting was not a good course of action and decided to tough it out. It wasn't THAT long of a shift. Then time did that lovely thing it does where one hour is five years, like in math class.
          Anyway, I was stuck cleaning check stands when this lady asks for help out to her car with her grocery bags. The head clerk was going to send someone else but the lady says
"Can she help me?" and points at me.
         There's no way that lady could have known how much I was dying to get some fresh air. Unless she could read minds.Which is unlikely. Rejoicing at my unexpected good fortune, I gratefully went outside to help her. She was really funny, and told me about how she used to be a courtesy clerk when she was my age until she got mad and quit the day before Christmas. Not sure if the story was meant to inspire me or what, but I was happy to be outside in the crisp morning air that smelled like winter and the bakery nearby and not inside the store where it was stuffy and smelled like fried chicken.
I was about to go back inside when she said
" I know they don't let you accept tips but do you want a soda?" and she hands me a 7-up.
It was completely amazing because:
1.) She had no way of knowing I was sick and
2.) Even if she knew I was sick she had no way of knowing that 7-up is my drink of choice whenever i'm ill.
Long story short, my faith in humanity (which had been completely obliterated after working in a grocery store over the holidays) was restored just a little bit because a stranger gave me 7-up. Either that or today I met a lady who reads minds. Either way it's a nice story.  

Saturday, February 16, 2013

Stupid Twin Questions

        When you are in any way connected with identical twins, you are subjected to a strange social ritual I refer to as "Stupid Twin Questions". People frantically fire some combination of the following questions at me while I stand there wondering if they are really this ignorant or if the general public really still believes all this rubbish.

Do they feel each other's pain? Like if one is injured does the other sense it?? 

 - I'm pretty sure Jonathan "sensed" that David was injured when he punched him this morning. Otherwise no, no they do not.

Can one of them sense what the other is thinking??

- No Charles Xavier, they are twins. Not members of the X-men.

I bet they switch places all the time!

- They may be identical, but they have completely different voices and personalities. You can tell which is which. Besides switching places lost it's sparkle after preschool when they realized the only fun part about it is laughing at people after you trick them. Being two imaginative fifth grade boys, they now have an infinite number of excuses to laugh at people. Without relying on "the twin thing".

Is there a good one and a bad one? 

- Actually no. Believe it or not, they are human beings with ups and downs and good days and bad days. Being a twin does not mean you are also a static cartoon character.

Which one is your favorite? 

- I have only been asked this question twice and both times I believe I said something along the lines of "Excuse me?" but in my head I had already punched them in the face. Hard. With a chair. Because they aren't just twins they're my baby brothers. Suggesting that I have a favorite is rude and insulting so don't even go down that road unless you want to be what the revenge business calls "Next".

I have two fantastic little brothers who love football, drawing, legos, and baseball. They make me laugh so hard I cry and they draw me pictures and give me hugs even if I've only been gone an hour. And honestly, half the time I forget that they just so happen to be twins.