Saturday, August 31, 2013

An adult with a fish

I woke up this morning full of energy and feeling like I should shape up, take responsibility and behave like a real adult. These days do not come along very often so it is best to take advantage of them when they do.
So I decided it was time for me to get another fish, having had sufficient time to recover  emotionally from the demise of Liam Neeson and Benedict Cumberbatch. I like fish because they are pretty and don't have any fur that makes me sneeze. 

Since my previous two dead fish had been Betta fish, I thought I should try a goldfish this time to shake things up and maybe rid myself of whatever fish killing curse I seemed to be under. Plus I had a goldfish named "Wiggles" when I was a kid, and HE lived to a grand old age (for a fish).

I decided to do some research first, in hopes of keeping the fish alive for more than a week this time, and I came to the horrible discovery that as far as the care and keeping of fish goes I was waaaay behind, like "the dark ages and the black plauge" far behind!!!

When I last had a goldfish, all he had was a glass bowl sitting on the kitchen counter with some rocks and a tiny castle thingy.
According to more recent studies, goldfish actually need at LEAST a 5 gallon aquarium! and the articles went on and on about preparing the water with ph testing for ammonia, nitrate, nitrite, and water temperature and tank filters....all for the care of an ordinary goldfish!

My idillic childhood memory of Wiggles the fish and his happy life came crashing down around me as I discovered that poor Wiggles had lived a life of monastic simplicity with the poor living conditions of an industrial revolution factory worker.....

I was completely intimidated by the whole thing and thought about scrapping the whole idea, but I was still under the influence of the "I'm going to be a responsible and productive adult" vibes i'd woken up with this morning and so I squared my shoulders and got to work.

1.) I cleaned my room and made space for a large aquarium, I even bought a bin to hold my DVD's.

Look at me! buying bins to hold my stuff like an adult!

2.) I grabbed a notebook and labeled it "The Fish Book" (which demonstrates my continuing failure at coming up with titles)
More research was done, lists were made, a budget was decided upon and items were price checked to make sure I stuck to the budget. And all of it was logged meticulously into The Fish Book.

I am on a roll!!! Writing things down and price checking like a real grown up!!!

3.) It took a crash course in chemistry to do it, but I eventually got the whole water ph thing figured out  and the proper ph testing kit purchased to ensure that the new fish will not die of ammonia poisoning.

4.) I talked with Tim at the pet store and he was able to educate me on the subject of water filters and fish tank thermometers.

Bonus Adult points for actual human interaction!!

The whole adventure took up most of my day and all I did was collect the supplies I am going to need to make a home for the new goldfish... So I am no where near done with this project. And I haven't even bought the fish themselves yet. But I am still very proud of myself for accomplishing stuff today.

I think I will name one of the new fish Tom Hiddleston...

Todays gifs

Thursday, August 29, 2013

My Book and Splash Mountain

Encouragement comes from the strangest of places...

I was chatting with the new security guard at my job and he asked me if I was going to school and then what my major was. So I told him that I had decided to major in English. And like everyone else on the planet, he asked me if I wanted to be a teacher.

I said no, because honestly I would be the worst teacher ever. I would probably just hide behind my desk throwing paperclips at my students while yelling "Shut Up MORONS!!!"


 I said that what I actually wanted to do was write. 

Security Guard: So, you going to write a book?

Me: Probably not, I'm not that good.

Security Guard: You're going to school right? If yo goin' to school and you wanna write then I say you write yo book honey.
You can even write about working in a store where crazy shop lifters yell at ME when they the ones that are stealing crap.

Oddly enough, this conversation really encouraged me. So maybe someday I will write a book.

Life is like the splash mountain ride at Disneyland....

On one of my family's many trips to Disneyland when I was a little kid, I saw another little girl walk by holding a massive rainbow colored lollipop about as big as her head.

To my little brain, it was the most beautiful sticky sugary thing I had ever seen and of course I needed one of my very own.

So my Mum said that if I went on the Splash Mountain Ride with her, she would buy me a giant rainbow lollipop.
My little seven year old spirit quailed at this unexpected turn my fate had taken....

I gazed in awe at the massive drop, the raging waterfall...from my tiny perspective she may as well have asked me to jump off a skyscraper.

I hesitated, the thought of careening off that waterfall in a less than sturdy looking canoe left me absolutely terrified. But....that lollipop.....that lovely sticky lollipop....I was certain i'd never even SEEN one that big before ever in my life! and I was dead certain I would never ever find a lollipop that perfect ever again. it was now or NEVER.

So after a lot of anxious indecision I decided I was going to be brave like all my role models of the time, namely Pippie Longstocking, Madeline, and the Pevinsie children. And I was going to ride Splash Mountain and get that Lollipop!

We waited in line, I was an anxious little ball of nerves and almost backed out twice, but we eventually made it on the ride.
I sat clutching the safety bar for dear life. The worst part of the whole experience was not knowing when the drop was coming and along the way you were surrounded by woodland animals whose wide crazy eyes and cheerful song seemed to be taunting me as I floated toward my imminent doom.

The drop of doom came.....

I survived.....

And true to her word my Mum presented me with my very own delicious massive rainbow lollipop. I spent the rest of the day with sticky hands, face and hair and with bits of lollipop in my teeth. But I was happy....I was victorious....I was BRAVE.

I just now asked my mom why it was so important to her that I go on that ride.

She got that exasperated look she always gets when I bring up instances in my childhood where she inadvertently traumatized me...

She says that she was convinced that if she got me on that one ride I would be magically cured of my fears and then be prepared to go on all the other crazy rides. She says this kind of trickery worked on all my other siblings so she expected it to work on me.

Yeah that didn't my long held tradition of failing where others succeed started much earlier than I previously thought.

I forgot how I was going to relate this story to my current life struggles ....oh well......

todays gifs:

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

life and egg rolls

So today at work a kid puked on the floor and I had to clean it up and no one said thank you. And that's a pretty good summary of my life right now.

Also we had people over so mum was making sandwiches which I couldn't eat. So I heated up a gluten free egg roll, but I didn't want to eat in front of our guests because their sandwiches weren't ready yet, but I was also super hungry. So I grabbed my egg roll and ended up awkwardly hiding from our guests in Daniel's room  eating an egg roll.

And just today I wasn't feeling well due to the massive amount of drugs i'd had in my system today and the day before to keep me from feeling the raw bloody gashes in my mouth where there used to be teeth. So I convinced my Father, who was working from home, to go get me a smoothie.

I would have gotten one myself except my Mother insisted on following the directions printed on my medication bottle and had forbidden me from driving myself anywhere lest my slowed reaction time and scrambled brain would cause me to kill myself in a car crash.

I received a massive strawberry smoothie.

I drank part of it and put the rest in the freezer

*15 minutes later*

I went to pull the rest out of the freezer and the devious traitorous styrofoam cup ripped in my hands and dumped smoothie all over packages of chicken and frozen vegetables that made up the inside of the freezer!

This may not seem like a big deal, but to my drug addled and overly emotional brain it was like watching everything you ever loved tumble into a pit of freezing cold doom. I stared in shock at the ripped styrofoam cup in my hands which had so callously betrayed my trust.

Luckily my indulgent Father had gotten me  a massive smoothie and I was relieved to find there was still more than enough strawberry goodness in the cup.

 My job at a grocery store has conditioned me to quickly clean up messes, and not to panic when faced with spilled food, shoplifters, the police, or flirty 50 year old firefighters. So  I was able to clean up the smoothie in the freezer....although I fear our freezer will be sticky for eons to come….

todays gifs:

Monday, August 26, 2013

Teeth Ripped Out

I have no idea why, but the Oral Surgeon who took out two of my wisdom teeth today totally reminded me of Bruce Banner.

As illogical as this comparison was, it oddly enough gave me a bit of comfort that the guy who was about to rip my teeth out of my mouth reminded me of Bruce Banner. He was a very nice guy who was very concerned with my pain levels and told me I had very pretty teeth. I assume the compliment was to distract me from the fact that he was holding a massive syringe at the time. It did not work.

These people were really big on drugs, so I got two very massive doses of Novocain and therefore the only disturbing thing was being able to hear the pliers and my teeth ripping out.
Last time I got my teeth out, they gave me the teeth to keep. These people did not give them to me, and a combination of all the Novocain and the massive wad of gauze in my mouth to stop the bleeding rendered me incapable of saying anything except

"Erm Ummm"

So I couldn't request to keep my teeth. I don't know why I wanted them, I think I just wanted to see what they looked like.

So now i'm sitting on the couch with a strawberry smoothie and all the Starwars movies. As the Novocaine wears off, I am now under the influence of narcotics, and so I am sitting here typing and not driving or operating any heavy machinery.
I am typing with one hand because i'm trying to keep an ice pack on my face so my face does not swell up and make me look like a lopsided chipmunk.

The Phantom Menace gets a lot of hate because of a lot of cheesy moments in the script and of course Jar Jar Binks. It is, however, one of my favorites because

1.) It has the best soundtrack of any starwars movie ever

2.) Darth Maul

3.) Qui Gon Jin as played by the wonderful Liam Neeson

I believe all these things completely make up for the ridiculous antics of Jar Jar Binks.

I'm not supposed to talk too much or laugh and I was doing a good job until David's Nick Fury impression which is really funny on a normal day, and under the influence of narcotics it became hysterical and made me completely lose it.

I laughed so hard I got the hiccups.

todays gifs: 

Thursday, August 22, 2013

The Demon Woman

So there's a lady at the place where I work, I may have mentioned her before, but she has decided that she hates me for absolutely no reason.

I will admit that sometimes I am a very difficult person and give people plenty off reason to dislike me. All I have in life is a bitingly sarcastic personality and the ability to make lists.

But in order to keep my job I always do my best Cinderella impression at work, so the Demon Woman has no valid reason to dislike me.
Every time she sees me, she looks at me like my very aura is an abomination to mankind.

Today was great though because as I was leaving work, walking on sunshine because I got to go home the Demon Woman was trudging  into work with a long shift ahead of her, wearing a yellow shirt which made her bear a striking resemblance to Ronald McDonald.

We made eye contact

I smiled and said hello

She glared at me like she hoped I would burst into flames and die in a pile of my own ashes.

But I was the one leaving. I was Free. I was victorious, and it was beautiful

A small victory?


But it was victory nonetheless

Todays gifs:

Bad days

On particularly bad days at work, I like to remind myself that everyone in the entire store will eventually DIE ...

People are a lot easier to deal with when you keep in mind the fact that they are all going to DIE.

I suppose if you follow that train of thought to the end of the rails, then I should remember that i'm going to die too.... But if you work there long enough then the thought of your eminent demise becomes a happy thing.

So I tried dieting and it was a complete and total fail, just like when I tried playing portal. I lost four pounds in four days eating only fruits and vegetables and I discovered three things

1.) When you are on a diet you think about food ALL the time.

2.) When on a diet you get irrational anger combined with that superhero all powerful feeling you get at 2 in the morning when you are so tired that you no longer have a filter or any social boundaries.
It seemed completely within the realm of reason to commit premeditated murder for a bagel.

 3.) I discovered that my body hates me because I promptly gained 3 of the 4 four pounds back after one day of eating normal food.

I have decided that I'm just destined to be a hobbit so I should just head on over to the shire and accept my hobbit-ness.

todays gifs: 

Friday, August 2, 2013

I find your lack of faith disturbing

I've yet again come to the horrible realization that I don't know how to talk to normal people... NO this is a serious problem...because most of my conversation involves books, movies, T.V. shows and bad jokes. So when I meet people who haven't let fiction completely take over their lives i'm a bit at a loss.

I mean they're all standing there laughing and talking about real people and sports and stuff and I'm just standing there awkwardly looking like this 


You know what I hate? When I say I like a book or a movie and then guys get all condescending and  proceed to quiz me on it like I don't know what I'm talking about.

Excuse you, but I don't need my nerdiness questioned or validated by you just because you think you know more than me just because your a guy.

 Here is a prime example of what I'm talking about: 

Me: Yeah I'm a huge starwars fan...

male coworker: So then who is Bobba Fett's father? 

Me: Jango Fett 

male coworker: Oh, I guess you do know what you're talking about...

  Of course I know what I'm talking about and for your information you nerf herder, Bobba Fett is actually technically Jango Fett's clone who was cloned on the planet Kamino making Bobba Fett one of  the many clones of Jango Fett which became the Army of the Republic durning the clone wars and were renamed the Storm Troopers after the Emperor took power. And Bobba Fett's spaceship? yeah it's called Slave II he named it after Jango's ship Slave I. And I bet you didn't know that the style of his armor is Mandalorian and that there was a massive war involving the Mandalorians before any of the movies take place....


*Agressive scarf flip of sass*

Todays gifs: