Toast

Our toaster makes a really annoying beeping noise when the toast is done. Not even a cute polite R2-D2 *beep* but a really annoying alarm sounding beep that sounds like "HEY STUPID YOUR TOAST IS READY!"

This is 2013 why can we not customize the beep on our toaster? I want it to be the Les Mis soundtrack so whenever my toast is ready it can play "RED the blood of angry MEN!!!!!"

(I found this picture on "real Les Mis captions" on Tumblr which you should check out if you feel like laughing) 

Under the Influence…

I've had a cold for the past week and have therefore been living in a constant state of cold medicine induced crazy.

This has caused a few alterations to my personality…

1.) I have been finding the weirdest most random everyday things completely hilarious. I laughed so hard at a mispronounced word that my Mother felt the need to apologize for my behavior. I also found a ball made of twigs in Homegoods for five dollars

and laughed so hard I ended up on the floor in an aisle alternately laughing and coughing up a lung…

2.) I have absolutely no filter. I have been spewing whatever happens to be on my mind whether it be singing along badly to 80's songs or talking to anyone who is listening about my hatred of birds…. People  at first thought this was amusing but now I think they just find it obnoxious.

3.) I lost all motivation to do anything besides breath, watch DVDs and internet…. even the simplest of tasks seems gargantuan and I just can't be bothered to do it. But the really scary thing is that not only am I not doing anything….I don't care that i'm not doing anything….Like i'm totally fine with doing nothing and no matter the consequences my brain just does. not. care.

4.) That leads to into the other weird thing, which is that I have lost all self preservation and foreword planning. Like my brain will usually think…

                                        "You know, you probably shouldn't say that" 

but right now it's just going
                                               "whoa! let's see what happens" 

So that's how I ended up buying a….

Darth Vader lightsaber!!!!!

Which is a lovely thing I am proud to own…but which I bought under the influence of cold medicine…..

Face

Do you ever wonder how you look to other people? Like I know you see yourself in mirrors but because vision is also a brain thing, how you see yourself may not necessarily be how others see you…

I'll use myself as an example

All my life I've suffered from "resting grumpy face" where I look angry all the time even if i'm not. It's just my face. In order to look pleasant and happy I need to concentrate really hard. This has caused more than a few people to tell me I look like Wednesday Addams

 Specifically during the month of October, I can pretty much guarantee I will get called "Wednesday".

Another one is people thinking that all Mexican people look alike and telling me I look like Selina Gomez.

Which causes Mexican people to laugh at me because they know I look absolutely nothing in the universe like Selina Gomez.

So for fun I morphed these two photos and ended up with this

Which to me looks like a young Miley Cyrus….. or the devil…..

Ew

Working retail...

Since i've spent the past year of my life working at a soul killing grocery store, i figured I should make a little list of hatred and talk about stuff that irritates me.

1.) All old people, actually customers in general, tell the same…three...jokes... 

(Item doesn't ring up) oh haha must be free! Haha 

(Check 100 dollar bill for authenticity) haha don't worry, I just printed it! Hahahaha

(Can I get you anything else today?) how bout a million dollars??!! Hahahahaha 

Seriously I have heard these jokes more times than can be humanly healthy...and you have to fake a laugh EVERY time when you feel like impaleing yourself on a box of waffles. 

2.) Do you work here??

No i'm just wearing this uniform and name badge as a fashion statement. 

I'm just standing here straightening this shelf for fun... I clean the windows at every store I go to!

3.) What do you mean you don't know the price of every single item in the entire store???? You should KNOW you work here! 

4.) These prices are SO high!!! it makes me sick to pay this much for food!! It's cheaper at Walmart…

Please go to Walmart. Please please please leave here and go annoy Walmart. You do realize I have no control over the price of the items in the store right???

5.) And every retail worker cringes in fear when they see someone coming towards them with a return, because chances are they don't have a receipt and they bought it five years ago and they will argue with you for five million years over a $5 item

6.) When people assume all mexican people are related and ask if i'm related to the other mexican employees.

7.) Do you SEE how long these lines are?! You need to get some more cashiers up here! 

Sure no problem i'll just go to the super secret room where we hide all the extra cashiers….

todays gifs:
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I overreact...

So recently at work there was an issue with a psycho woman yelling for the police and generally making a massive scene.

There's a story behind it, but I didn't bother to ask about it because I really didn't care. Mum says I never ask good questions.

Luckily my boss interperuted my non-reaction to the massive scene, as me making a concious effort to maintain proffesionalism.

When in reality I'm just so completely apathtic towards anything not directly involving myself, that I just couldn't be bothered to care. 

This led me to contemplate how thourougly messed up my reactions to things are, for example... 

Fight between my brothers at home: I will start yelling "SHUT UP!! " at the top of my lungs 

Actual fight in my work parking lot: Oh...whatever...they better not block the cart return... 

The filter in my fish tank broke: I was reduced to a sobbing mess in the upstairs hallway clutching a mop and shouting abuse at anyone who came near me.

The Police are at my work and arresting a shoplifter: Dude….your kinda blocking my locker….

Someone breaths near my gluten-free pizza: Get away from that or I swear I will stab you with a fork!!!  STOP looking at it!!!! 

The problem with this is that people get the idea that i'm level headed... when in reality I am extremely volitile and will overreact with a truely massive tantrum at the slightest provocation...

Todays gifs:
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Books and disinfectant dispensers

Do you ever cry over character development ? Because I do.
After my second read through of Harry Potter, I was in tears  because Ron and Harry are the best-est best bros ever and it all began because Ron decided to sit with Harry on the Hogwarts Express and that was it, they just sat on a train together and became best friends who would grow up to defeat dark lord Voldemort. Hence my tears.

I also cried over Silver Linings Playbook. The only problem was that I was reading it in class when I was souposed to be listening to my philosophy professor. So I was sitting there in my desk sniffling and trying not to cry.

I must have looked very emotionally moved by the theory of utilitarianism.

In other news the guy who is selling nonstick cookware at Costco bears a striking resemblance to Karl Urban...

I told Mum we should go buy a frying pan because Karl Urban said that you could fry an egg with no oil and it won't stick.

Mum was not impressed, and said that that was lies and would make the egg taste funny.

So I did not get to buy a frying pan from Karl Urban…

Okay so everyone has seen containers like these right?

And if you've seen one then you have most likely experienced getting your finger caught in it, which I know from personal experience, hurts really really badly.
 But most rational human beings just grit their teeth, yank their finger out and move on right?

Well we have a bunch of containers like these at work, full of disinfectant wipes so people can clean the filthy grocery cart handles.

And so a guy comes up to me and vaguely gestures in the direction of a short middle aged woman and says

"Um she says she needs help"  and then walks away quickly without further explanation.

As I've previously mentioned, I work in a really unfortunate neighborhood. So I thought I had a pretty good idea what was going on because we get mentally challenged people wandering in a lot. I fully expecting to have to pacify another crazy lady who would tell me I needed to call the fire department because a car was on fire (The car in question was not on fire in the slightest, but I made the security guard go look anyways just to make the crazy lady feel better)

 I approached the lady cautiously, asking "Can I help you?" in my best kindergarden teacher voice, and right away noticed two things

1.) She was way too clean to be homeless

2.) She was standing rooted to the spot with her finger stuck in the disinfectant wipes container looking at me like this -

I was still getting over my surprise at her of her lack of crazy and homelessness so I just stupidly repeated

"um uh.. can I help you??"

"My finger is stuck and I can't get it out!" she hissed very urgently as she winced in what was apparently a very drastic amount of pain.

At first I thought that that couldn't possibly be the whole problem so I stood there waiting for further explanation. When none was offered and she continued to just standing there dramatically holding her arm and contorting her face into oscar worthy grimaces of great suffering.

I realized that there WAS no further explanation and that she really did just have her finger caught in the wipes dispenser.

The hilarity of the situation hit me and it took a superhuman effort on my part not to laugh


"Er have you tried to yank your finger out?" I said valiantly choking on my laughter, and doing my best to look sympathetic and concerned at the same time which made my face look something like this

"I CAN'T it-really-really-hurts-it's digging into-my-finger-and-i-am-in-a LOT of pain" she spewed dramatically through gritted teeth.

A circular conversation followed, during which I futilely examined the container for a way out that I knew didn't exist just so I could look like I was doing something while at the same time trying to kindly convince her to just suck it up like a normal person and yank her finger out of the thing.

She just stood there continuing to be the world's biggest drama queen and refused to move.

It became clear that drastic action was called for because at this point I was in serious danger of busting a lung from heroically suppressing my laughter

so I grabbed a pair of scissors and finally had to cut the container open until she could finally remove her finger

The drama queen then thanked me and left me standing there holding a pair of scissors and wondering whether my earlier assumption had actually been correct and she WAS a crazy lady who had wandered in…

Todays gifs:
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