Toast

Our toaster makes a really annoying beeping noise when the toast is done. Not even a cute polite R2-D2 *beep* but a really annoying alarm sounding beep that sounds like "HEY STUPID YOUR TOAST IS READY!"

This is 2013 why can we not customize the beep on our toaster? I want it to be the Les Mis soundtrack so whenever my toast is ready it can play "RED the blood of angry MEN!!!!!"

(I found this picture on "real Les Mis captions" on Tumblr which you should check out if you feel like laughing) 

Under the Influence…

I've had a cold for the past week and have therefore been living in a constant state of cold medicine induced crazy.

This has caused a few alterations to my personality…

1.) I have been finding the weirdest most random everyday things completely hilarious. I laughed so hard at a mispronounced word that my Mother felt the need to apologize for my behavior. I also found a ball made of twigs in Homegoods for five dollars

and laughed so hard I ended up on the floor in an aisle alternately laughing and coughing up a lung…

2.) I have absolutely no filter. I have been spewing whatever happens to be on my mind whether it be singing along badly to 80's songs or talking to anyone who is listening about my hatred of birds…. People  at first thought this was amusing but now I think they just find it obnoxious.

3.) I lost all motivation to do anything besides breath, watch DVDs and internet…. even the simplest of tasks seems gargantuan and I just can't be bothered to do it. But the really scary thing is that not only am I not doing anything….I don't care that i'm not doing anything….Like i'm totally fine with doing nothing and no matter the consequences my brain just does. not. care.

4.) That leads to into the other weird thing, which is that I have lost all self preservation and foreword planning. Like my brain will usually think…

                                        "You know, you probably shouldn't say that" 

but right now it's just going
                                               "whoa! let's see what happens" 

So that's how I ended up buying a….

Darth Vader lightsaber!!!!!

Which is a lovely thing I am proud to own…but which I bought under the influence of cold medicine…..

Face

Do you ever wonder how you look to other people? Like I know you see yourself in mirrors but because vision is also a brain thing, how you see yourself may not necessarily be how others see you…

I'll use myself as an example

All my life I've suffered from "resting grumpy face" where I look angry all the time even if i'm not. It's just my face. In order to look pleasant and happy I need to concentrate really hard. This has caused more than a few people to tell me I look like Wednesday Addams

 Specifically during the month of October, I can pretty much guarantee I will get called "Wednesday".

Another one is people thinking that all Mexican people look alike and telling me I look like Selina Gomez.

Which causes Mexican people to laugh at me because they know I look absolutely nothing in the universe like Selina Gomez.

So for fun I morphed these two photos and ended up with this

Which to me looks like a young Miley Cyrus….. or the devil…..

Ew

Working retail...

Since i've spent the past year of my life working at a soul killing grocery store, i figured I should make a little list of hatred and talk about stuff that irritates me.

1.) All old people, actually customers in general, tell the same…three...jokes... 

(Item doesn't ring up) oh haha must be free! Haha 

(Check 100 dollar bill for authenticity) haha don't worry, I just printed it! Hahahaha

(Can I get you anything else today?) how bout a million dollars??!! Hahahahaha 

Seriously I have heard these jokes more times than can be humanly healthy...and you have to fake a laugh EVERY time when you feel like impaleing yourself on a box of waffles. 

2.) Do you work here??

No i'm just wearing this uniform and name badge as a fashion statement. 

I'm just standing here straightening this shelf for fun... I clean the windows at every store I go to!

3.) What do you mean you don't know the price of every single item in the entire store???? You should KNOW you work here! 

4.) These prices are SO high!!! it makes me sick to pay this much for food!! It's cheaper at Walmart…

Please go to Walmart. Please please please leave here and go annoy Walmart. You do realize I have no control over the price of the items in the store right???

5.) And every retail worker cringes in fear when they see someone coming towards them with a return, because chances are they don't have a receipt and they bought it five years ago and they will argue with you for five million years over a $5 item

6.) When people assume all mexican people are related and ask if i'm related to the other mexican employees.

7.) Do you SEE how long these lines are?! You need to get some more cashiers up here! 

Sure no problem i'll just go to the super secret room where we hide all the extra cashiers….

todays gifs:
tumblr_inline_mpiwyr84iw1qz4rgp.gif
tumblr_mjwdt1m3cQ1s8uzeno8_r1_250.gif
tumblr_msk8tfCeIu1sd5mhbo10_500.gif

I overreact...

So recently at work there was an issue with a psycho woman yelling for the police and generally making a massive scene.

There's a story behind it, but I didn't bother to ask about it because I really didn't care. Mum says I never ask good questions.

Luckily my boss interperuted my non-reaction to the massive scene, as me making a concious effort to maintain proffesionalism.

When in reality I'm just so completely apathtic towards anything not directly involving myself, that I just couldn't be bothered to care. 

This led me to contemplate how thourougly messed up my reactions to things are, for example... 

Fight between my brothers at home: I will start yelling "SHUT UP!! " at the top of my lungs 

Actual fight in my work parking lot: Oh...whatever...they better not block the cart return... 

The filter in my fish tank broke: I was reduced to a sobbing mess in the upstairs hallway clutching a mop and shouting abuse at anyone who came near me.

The Police are at my work and arresting a shoplifter: Dude….your kinda blocking my locker….

Someone breaths near my gluten-free pizza: Get away from that or I swear I will stab you with a fork!!!  STOP looking at it!!!! 

The problem with this is that people get the idea that i'm level headed... when in reality I am extremely volitile and will overreact with a truely massive tantrum at the slightest provocation...

Todays gifs:
tumblr_inline_mrhq4p6ewB1qz4rgp.gif
tumblr_mqp77eNW241rsyy48o1_250.gif
tumblr_inline_mnygvs0iok1qz4rgp.gif
tumblr_inline_mlf5ovOcG61qz4rgp.gif
tumblr_monkb6Zmah1rnkks9o2_500.gif
tumblr_mahhcxuyb21qb1g04o4_250.gif
tumblr_inline_mghpigrCZE1rvklyl.gif

Books and disinfectant dispensers

Do you ever cry over character development ? Because I do.
After my second read through of Harry Potter, I was in tears  because Ron and Harry are the best-est best bros ever and it all began because Ron decided to sit with Harry on the Hogwarts Express and that was it, they just sat on a train together and became best friends who would grow up to defeat dark lord Voldemort. Hence my tears.

I also cried over Silver Linings Playbook. The only problem was that I was reading it in class when I was souposed to be listening to my philosophy professor. So I was sitting there in my desk sniffling and trying not to cry.

I must have looked very emotionally moved by the theory of utilitarianism.

In other news the guy who is selling nonstick cookware at Costco bears a striking resemblance to Karl Urban...

I told Mum we should go buy a frying pan because Karl Urban said that you could fry an egg with no oil and it won't stick.

Mum was not impressed, and said that that was lies and would make the egg taste funny.

So I did not get to buy a frying pan from Karl Urban…

Okay so everyone has seen containers like these right?

And if you've seen one then you have most likely experienced getting your finger caught in it, which I know from personal experience, hurts really really badly.
 But most rational human beings just grit their teeth, yank their finger out and move on right?

Well we have a bunch of containers like these at work, full of disinfectant wipes so people can clean the filthy grocery cart handles.

And so a guy comes up to me and vaguely gestures in the direction of a short middle aged woman and says

"Um she says she needs help"  and then walks away quickly without further explanation.

As I've previously mentioned, I work in a really unfortunate neighborhood. So I thought I had a pretty good idea what was going on because we get mentally challenged people wandering in a lot. I fully expecting to have to pacify another crazy lady who would tell me I needed to call the fire department because a car was on fire (The car in question was not on fire in the slightest, but I made the security guard go look anyways just to make the crazy lady feel better)

 I approached the lady cautiously, asking "Can I help you?" in my best kindergarden teacher voice, and right away noticed two things

1.) She was way too clean to be homeless

2.) She was standing rooted to the spot with her finger stuck in the disinfectant wipes container looking at me like this -

I was still getting over my surprise at her of her lack of crazy and homelessness so I just stupidly repeated

"um uh.. can I help you??"

"My finger is stuck and I can't get it out!" she hissed very urgently as she winced in what was apparently a very drastic amount of pain.

At first I thought that that couldn't possibly be the whole problem so I stood there waiting for further explanation. When none was offered and she continued to just standing there dramatically holding her arm and contorting her face into oscar worthy grimaces of great suffering.

I realized that there WAS no further explanation and that she really did just have her finger caught in the wipes dispenser.

The hilarity of the situation hit me and it took a superhuman effort on my part not to laugh


"Er have you tried to yank your finger out?" I said valiantly choking on my laughter, and doing my best to look sympathetic and concerned at the same time which made my face look something like this

"I CAN'T it-really-really-hurts-it's digging into-my-finger-and-i-am-in-a LOT of pain" she spewed dramatically through gritted teeth.

A circular conversation followed, during which I futilely examined the container for a way out that I knew didn't exist just so I could look like I was doing something while at the same time trying to kindly convince her to just suck it up like a normal person and yank her finger out of the thing.

She just stood there continuing to be the world's biggest drama queen and refused to move.

It became clear that drastic action was called for because at this point I was in serious danger of busting a lung from heroically suppressing my laughter

so I grabbed a pair of scissors and finally had to cut the container open until she could finally remove her finger

The drama queen then thanked me and left me standing there holding a pair of scissors and wondering whether my earlier assumption had actually been correct and she WAS a crazy lady who had wandered in…

Todays gifs:
tumblr_lxjznaT9eJ1qlvfgx.gif
tumblr_mammqqdGwC1qfl1ji.gif
tumblr_mowstb0Z1z1r7t6nko1_400.gif

MY BABIES!!!!!

I finally brought home the two Black Moor Goldfish that will live in the lovely aquarium that has taken me over a week to painstakingly research and prepare.

I decided to get Black Moor Goldfish after much online research, because they are supposed to be easy to care for and live a very long time. Also because all the articles described them as having big goggly eyes but poor vision and being slow awkward swimmers.
They sounded so sweet lovable and dorky that I knew they would be just the right fish for me.

Upon arriving at the pet store I found Catherine Tate, who looked like a lovely healthy specimen of an adult goldfish per all the articles I read.

I was disappointed at first because I wanted two of them and the only one I saw was Catherine but Pond pointed at a smaller baby Black Moor Goldfish all alone in a tank by himself.
I was aghast because in all my extensive research of this type of goldfish I had read over and over that these were social fish and you should never put them in a tank all alone!!!

He was rather pathetic looking, with a lopsided ungainly swim. The little runt was trying to get through the glass wall to the tank beside his, where a bunch of Fantail goldfish were frolicking amongst themselves.

This little fish was a complete wet sandwich but once I laid eyes on him I knew I was not going to be able to walk away and leave him to die alone in that tank. Call me a wimp but the thought of that little fish would have haunted me for days. You would think the-pet-store-that-shall-not-be-named would have done enough research to take better care of little Tom Hiddleston.

So, after asking a few questions of Tim the fish guy,  I asked to purchase these two fish. I was again horrified when I saw that they still used nets to trap the fish when all my articles had said that this method is antiqued and harms fish fins and that the proper procedure is to use a cup to gently scoop up the fish. I visibly flinched but made no comment because I didn't want to hurt Tim the fish guy's feelings because he seemed very nice.

My Babies, Tom and Catherine, are now situated in their new home and seem pretty content with their new surroundings. Even the little wet sandwich Tom has brightened up a bit in his new home. Catherine doesn't look bovvered at all.

After watching a few instructional youtube videos I discovered that you can train goldfish to eat pellet fish food from your hand! I plan to acquire some pellet food and try this out for myself!!

Todays gifs:
tumblr_mf72gjTsOZ1qcpsedo1_250.gif
tumblr_inline_mpae0sfEyE1qz4rgp.gif

First day of class

We had to do that thing where you go around the room and introduce yourself way too many times today. I am an adult.

I don't have any interest in "getting to know" my classmates.

These "ice breaker" games are a slow and agonizing form of social torture for an introvert. You have to plan out, in your head, what you are going to say and practice it so you don't mess up and sound like an inarticulate imbecile.

I don't even like any of these people. I don't care what you did this summer. I certainly don't want to hear about your hobbies....

Why is it that when they ask you to name some interesting facts about yourself you have a mini existential crisis and forget everything you ever did and said?

Once you are finally able to remember who you are, you are struck with the realization that you are a very boring individual. 

My ethics class began with the question "can we justify torture" so I can tell this class is going to be a barrel of laughs... As well as a plethora of awkward silence.

My creative writing class is going to focus on.....Poetry.... 

I love to read poetry, and i'm especially a fan of Edgar Allan Poe, however this is a writing course. So I will be expected to write poetry of my very own.

I am notoriously bad at writing poetry...you can see my earlier post called " Poetry" for some examples of my work. 

Oh. No. My math proff is a really really nice guy. However, he has a VERY strong accent..... i'm dead...i'm going to die faster than a pacifist in the hunger games....

I barely understand math when its clearly spelled out in ridiculously simple terms that a preshooler would understand...

My first three classes are sadly devoid of any hot guys. My math class has quite a few very good looking guys, however math is also the class where I am going  to be stupider than a gerbil. So again fate cruelly conspires against me. 

Why are there no hotties in my poetry writing class? where I can impress them with my stunning use of adjectives....instead I am just going to flail around with numbers like a vacant loser.

Todays gifs: 
tumblr_mnr4y19Mwt1rxi59xo9_250.gif
tumblr_mqp77eNW241rsyy48o1_250.gif.gif
tumblr_lp28b5xHAG1qzcunco2_250.gif

Lunch and Breakfast Club

You know you're an introvert when it's exciting that there's no one else in the break room during your lunch, because it means you can eat in peace without feeling like you need to make conversation.

If I still have to fake a smile and make small talk with people then it doesn't count as a break. It's only a break if I get to frown as much as I want and not talk to anyone.

Having to behave like Cinderella is very taxing, and wears me out a lot more than lifting a million 12 packs of soda. (curse buy two get one free Labor Day sales). If I was Cinderella the story would have gone a lot differently....
 Actually in all honesty if I was a princess it would go a lot like this....

So I watched the Breakfast Club and I cried..... I was sitting there watching this movie at midnight because I don't have good sleeping habits and the ending was so adorable there were tears in my eyes. I LOVED this movie!!

1.) It is a really well written social commentary about high school kids and how cliques work. While at the same time it's a really weird random movie that sometimes makes no sense and is hard to take seriously. One minute there's tears an a discussion about the unrealistic expectations faced by youth in America and the next minute there's a random dance sequence and climbing through the air vents into the library??

2.) You would never expect the jock to end up with the basket case or the princess to end up with the criminal...but it's the best most adorable ending ever and I have so many head cannons about what happened after that day.

But the absolute best thing about the whole movie was

THIS

SURPRISINGLY PHILOSOPHICAL 

EXTREMELY REBELLIOUS

 SO FULL OF ANGST

CLASSIC BAD BOY

WHO IS ALSO A BIT OF A DRAMA QUEEN

 NAMED JOHN BENDER

I fell so in love with this character. I mean he's an absolute jerk and he's rude and horrible and made princess Claire and brain Brian both cry and he was a complete hypocrite about judging people because he himself very loudly and harshly judged everyone around him.

But I couldn't not love the character because little by little you see how afraid and hurt he is. And he walks in that library very firmly believing in all these stereotypes (the princess, brain, jock and basket case). By the end of it I think after learning more about these kids and what their lives are really like, he knows everyone else has problems too.

Although discovering he wasn't the only person with problems seemed to make him unreasonably angry. Angry enough to make princess Claire cry. I haven't deduced why that is yet....

I was so sad it ended with that one day...I would watch a whole TV series about these characters. You can bet that my creative writing for school this semester will feature some Breakfast Club fan fiction.

Todays gifs
tumblr_msj6f8LE8B1ss3vkzo1_500.gif
tumblr_msitozOUNk1rx2175o1_500.gif
tumblr_mq3qjoL5Eu1r6lmn6o9_250.gif
tumblr_lzm2nm44g41qbl6qfo3_250.g

An adult with a fish

I woke up this morning full of energy and feeling like I should shape up, take responsibility and behave like a real adult. These days do not come along very often so it is best to take advantage of them when they do.

 

So I decided it was time for me to get another fish, having had sufficient time to recover  emotionally from the demise of Liam Neeson and Benedict Cumberbatch. I like fish because they are pretty and don't have any fur that makes me sneeze. 

Since my previous two dead fish had been Betta fish, I thought I should try a goldfish this time to shake things up and maybe rid myself of whatever fish killing curse I seemed to be under. Plus I had a goldfish named "Wiggles" when I was a kid, and HE lived to a grand old age (for a fish).

I decided to do some research first, in hopes of keeping the fish alive for more than a week this time, and I came to the horrible discovery that as far as the care and keeping of fish goes I was waaaay behind, like "the dark ages and the black plauge" far behind!!!

When I last had a goldfish, all he had was a glass bowl sitting on the kitchen counter with some rocks and a tiny castle thingy.
According to more recent studies, goldfish actually need at LEAST a 5 gallon aquarium! and the articles went on and on about preparing the water with ph testing for ammonia, nitrate, nitrite, and water temperature and tank filters....all for the care of an ordinary goldfish!

My idillic childhood memory of Wiggles the fish and his happy life came crashing down around me as I discovered that poor Wiggles had lived a life of monastic simplicity with the poor living conditions of an industrial revolution factory worker.....

I was completely intimidated by the whole thing and thought about scrapping the whole idea, but I was still under the influence of the "I'm going to be a responsible and productive adult" vibes i'd woken up with this morning and so I squared my shoulders and got to work.

1.) I cleaned my room and made space for a large aquarium, I even bought a bin to hold my DVD's.

Look at me! buying bins to hold my stuff like an adult!

2.) I grabbed a notebook and labeled it "The Fish Book" (which demonstrates my continuing failure at coming up with titles)
More research was done, lists were made, a budget was decided upon and items were price checked to make sure I stuck to the budget. And all of it was logged meticulously into The Fish Book.

I am on a roll!!! Writing things down and price checking like a real grown up!!!

3.) It took a crash course in chemistry to do it, but I eventually got the whole water ph thing figured out  and the proper ph testing kit purchased to ensure that the new fish will not die of ammonia poisoning.

4.) I talked with Tim at the pet store and he was able to educate me on the subject of water filters and fish tank thermometers.

Bonus Adult points for actual human interaction!!

The whole adventure took up most of my day and all I did was collect the supplies I am going to need to make a home for the new goldfish... So I am no where near done with this project. And I haven't even bought the fish themselves yet. But I am still very proud of myself for accomplishing stuff today.

I think I will name one of the new fish Tom Hiddleston...

Todays gifs
tumblr_ms0oofmfNM1rp3lwvo8_400.gif
tumblr_inline_mpv1hbkjdX1rx9f5p.gif
tumblr_mkyuighIkm1qictpso1_250.gif
tumblr_mq3qjoL5Eu1r6lmn6o2_250.gif

My Book and Splash Mountain

Encouragement comes from the strangest of places...

I was chatting with the new security guard at my job and he asked me if I was going to school and then what my major was. So I told him that I had decided to major in English. And like everyone else on the planet, he asked me if I wanted to be a teacher.

I said no, because honestly I would be the worst teacher ever. I would probably just hide behind my desk throwing paperclips at my students while yelling "Shut Up MORONS!!!"

 

 I said that what I actually wanted to do was write. 

Security Guard: So, you going to write a book?

Me: Probably not, I'm not that good.

Security Guard: You're going to school right? If yo goin' to school and you wanna write then I say you write yo book honey.
You can even write about working in a store where crazy shop lifters yell at ME when they the ones that are stealing crap.

Oddly enough, this conversation really encouraged me. So maybe someday I will write a book.

Life is like the splash mountain ride at Disneyland....

On one of my family's many trips to Disneyland when I was a little kid, I saw another little girl walk by holding a massive rainbow colored lollipop about as big as her head.

To my little brain, it was the most beautiful sticky sugary thing I had ever seen and of course I needed one of my very own.

So my Mum said that if I went on the Splash Mountain Ride with her, she would buy me a giant rainbow lollipop.
My little seven year old spirit quailed at this unexpected turn my fate had taken....

I gazed in awe at the massive drop, the raging waterfall...from my tiny perspective she may as well have asked me to jump off a skyscraper.

I hesitated, the thought of careening off that waterfall in a less than sturdy looking canoe left me absolutely terrified. But....that lollipop.....that lovely sticky lollipop....I was certain i'd never even SEEN one that big before ever in my life! and I was dead certain I would never ever find a lollipop that perfect ever again. it was now or NEVER.

So after a lot of anxious indecision I decided I was going to be brave like all my role models of the time, namely Pippie Longstocking, Madeline, and the Pevinsie children. And I was going to ride Splash Mountain and get that Lollipop!

We waited in line, I was an anxious little ball of nerves and almost backed out twice, but we eventually made it on the ride.
I sat clutching the safety bar for dear life. The worst part of the whole experience was not knowing when the drop was coming and along the way you were surrounded by woodland animals whose wide crazy eyes and cheerful song seemed to be taunting me as I floated toward my imminent doom.

The drop of doom came.....

I survived.....

And true to her word my Mum presented me with my very own delicious massive rainbow lollipop. I spent the rest of the day with sticky hands, face and hair and with bits of lollipop in my teeth. But I was happy....I was victorious....I was BRAVE.

I just now asked my mom why it was so important to her that I go on that ride.

She got that exasperated look she always gets when I bring up instances in my childhood where she inadvertently traumatized me...

She says that she was convinced that if she got me on that one ride I would be magically cured of my fears and then be prepared to go on all the other crazy rides. She says this kind of trickery worked on all my other siblings so she expected it to work on me.

Yeah that didn't happen....so my long held tradition of failing where others succeed started much earlier than I previously thought.

I forgot how I was going to relate this story to my current life struggles ....oh well......


todays gifs:
tumblr_inline_mfd3jzIXai1qhvnyx.gif
tumblr_m13obt72GF1qg0fg0o4_250.gif
tumblr_mbvywk0biS1qcdj76o7_r1_250
tumblr_mqp77eNW241rsyy48o7_500.gif
tumblr_m7tud2BPPv1qbephpo2_r1_250.gif
tumblr_ml644gSCN01rxefu1o2_r1_250.gif